Are Secondhand Men Worth the Effort?

VIENNA(dpa)-Secondhand cars and clothes are in general cheaper than new ones, but when it comes to men this is often not the case, as many a woman has found to her cost.

Problems with the ex-wife and children from a former marriage are the rule rather than the exception.

Psychologists believe that many women entering a relationship with a man who has an ex from an earlier marriage tend to underestimate the difficulties, but if the new partner is prepared to master the situation she can often profit from the experiences of a "secondhand man".

"The baggage that a man carries with him from a previous marriage is often heavier than the new partner imagines," according to Birgit Kofler, who has researched the experiences of 70 women in this position and published the results in a book.

Kofler groups her findings into three categories.

"First there are the ex-wives who aim to rule the new relationship," she says, adding that in these cases financial considerations rather than emotions are usually the reason.

The second group contains those cases where there are children from a previous relationship that the father still has to concern himself with.

The third involves conflicts of loyalty, such as when the wedding photograph of the first marriage is still on display in the home of the parents-in-law.

These influences make themselves felt in planning leisure time and finances in the new relationship, says Doris Frueh, family affairs expert from Hanover.

Frueh has analyzed the experiences of 140 women in her book, "Secondhand Men".

Many second wives fail to realize quite how much time fathers have to spend with children from a former marriage, or the extent of the financial commitments to keep the first family going.

Many such women believe the second family does not have the same legal rights as the first one, although there are signs of changes in tax law in some European countries in this regard.

Many second wives find themselves forced to return to work soon after giving birth, as a result of the claims of their husband’s first family, according to Michael Salchow, a German legal expert.

Few women entering a relationship with a previously married man take all of these problems into account, partly as a result of romantic ideas clouding their judgement, Frueh believes.

This continues to be the case, despite the rising frequency of divorce and remarriage across Europe.

"Of course this does not mean that one should avoid secondhand men," Kofler says. Still, she advises the new partner to take a close look at the situation and make sure she knows what she is getting into.

Questions come up in particular when a woman wants to have children with a man who already has a family and is reluctant to start a new one," Kofler believes.

Women in this position should not allow themselves to be drawn into wishful thinking that "he will change his mind at some time in the future," she says.

"If children are important to a woman, she should say so right at the outset, and the couple must come to an agreement," she says, or the woman could end up regretting entering into the relationship.

New partners irritated at the amount of time their husbands spend with the children from the first marriage should discuss the topic openly, as the man might otherwise not realize how much hurt he is causing.

Frueh says some women with secondhand men must simply accept certain retrictions. "The past, especially when children are involved, will always play a significant role," she says.

But the new partners should not allow themselves to become victims of the situation.

"They need to establish a certain distance from the problems the man carries with him from the first marriage and should not give up their own desires," she says.

Women with secondhand men need to lay down rules about the time they want to spend together as a couple. Firm arrangements need to be made regarding evenings alone and outings.

But those women prepared to face up to the inevitable difficulties have a chance of a truly happy future with the man of their choice, even if he is a little shop-soiled.

"These men have greater experience of life and have learnt from the failure of their first marriages," Frueh says.

Secondhand men often show greater respect to their new partners, while also taking a more mature and relaxed view of the relationship.

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